How hard is it to love someone unconditionally?

October 13, 2013 Fajar 0 Comments

 


  Love is selfish. I know it’s hard to hear, and you are probably thinking that loving someone is the least selfish thing you can do: you give them all you have, you sometimes change for them, and you compromise and want to make them happy. All this is true, but really, do you do all that for him or for you? You may change everything about you, but you still wouldn't do it for the sake of the other person, you would do it for the way you feel when you are with him. You love him because he makes you feel in a certain inexplicable, unimaginable, magical way – and that is perfectly fine. However, in a relationship, we draw our lines and expect someone to love us in a specific way and love us ‘under some certain conditions’: Don’t cheat on us, love only us, treat us in a certain way, etc etc. And this is all rational…. But what happens when you love someone the way he wants you to love him? Can you love someone so unconditionally that you give him everything he wants, any time he wants so that he can be happy, regardless of your own feelings? Can we put someone else above ourselves?


 My story with Mat is by now very well known (see Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you?), and even though is towards its end, every once in a while I can’t help thinking: how different things would be if I was willing to love Mat the way he wanted me to? For those of you that don’t know yet, Mat has a girlfriend now, and I asked him to break up with her otherwise we are over. Of course he didn't break up, and Mat and I are history now. However… was I able to love Mat the way he wanted me to love him? Was I able to put him above myself? To do that, it would require to accept him being in another relationship and be with him when he wanted me to and the way he wanted me to. It would mean putting my needs and wants aside to make him happy. I would have to compromise with being the other woman, not complain and still be there for him for when he wanted me to. It sounds harsh on me, but loving someone so unselfishly means that you would be happy just because he would be! Happiness wouldn't be something that you would acquire based on how much the other person gave you (emotionally and/or materially) but based on how much the other person was getting from you –seeing them happy would make you happy and content. It probably sounds completely irrational right now, but pause for a minute and think about it. How many times did you feel bad because your loved one was sad or upset? How many times did that bring you down and upset you? And during those times, you would probably give up whatever you were doing (Even if you were out with friends ) and go to him to make him feel better? That is giving him love without expecting something in return, just because you love them. The kind of unconditional love I’m talking about takes this to a whole different extent. The irrationality of this love puts the other person above and beyond you throughout the relationship.

  Just to make this clear, I was never able to do this throughout a relationship, but for a short while I put Mat above me and my needs and wants. I accepted him being in another relationship and was there the way he wanted me to be there. Mat was going through a rough patch this past few months, regarding a lot of things in his life and the last thing I wanted was to upset him even more with the fact that I wanted him to break up with his girlfriend. So I decided that for those few months I would put him above me and be there for him without making his life even more difficult. I was the first person he would turn to when he needed to talk to someone about something. There were times when he was upset or angry about something and took it out on me, but I knew it would blow away so I was patient. He would come back and apologize immediately of course, but somehow the fact that I could make him feel better, just by being there; talking to him, holding him (even though he didn't belong to me) was enough for the moment. I was content with making him happy and when those feelings of anger and sadness (because I didn't have him for myself) sneaked in, I would hide them well and he would rarely see how upset I was. Now you are thinking: what kind of a relationship was it if you weren't happy but you pretended to be? And you are absolutely right. But a person that is willing to do this throughout a relationship is someone that, in my opinion, deserves to be respected and admired. They managed to put someone else’s happiness above their own; they were happy simply because their other half was. How many of us can say as much?

  Even though I love Mat with all of my heart, I know I will never be able to love someone the way they want me to love them. My love will always have a selfish side… the side where I want them to love me in a certain way and not give up everything for them. But even though I know myself well and the fact that I will never be able to love someone in such a way, I can’t help wondering once in a while: Would I have kept Mat with me if I loved him in such a way?... And if not forever, would I even be able to postpone, or even avoid, the heartache I’m feeling now that everything is over? Could I love him unconditionally? Because if unconditional love does exist, in my opinion, is something very similar to the love I described above.

I would be very interested to read your opinions on this, in the comment section below. Let me know what unconditional love is for you or if you ever experienced something similar to what I have described. CLICK HERE to like my facebook page and never miss an update!! 

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