Should we think before we speak?

April 21, 2013 Fajar 0 Comments












   
  I never was one to think before speaking. Not only when it comes to men, but in general. Even though at times it proved to be bad, (I was hurting people without meaning to do so, or saying the wrong things at the worst possible timing) I never thought of changing this about myself until I met Richard. Richard was one of my first boyfriends, when I was about 16. Of course his real name is not Richard, but for the sake of this article I would like to call him Richard, mostly because the nickname for Richard is Dick, and even though I never understood why Dick is short for Richard, it really suits this guy.

  I met Dick one day at a café, while hanging out with a few friends. He wasn't very handsome, but there was something about him that I really liked. We had a couple of friends in common and they introduced me to him, and that’s how we started talking (I know it’s a cliché, but when you are 16 this is the most popular way to get a boyfriend). We talked for a few weeks, went out as friends and after about a month we were officially dating. I dated Richard (oh I mean Dick!) for 6 months, and when you are 16 that’s considered oh-so-big! Well, what went wrong this time? I had a nice time with him; we used to go out, have a good laugh and we were pretty into each other. However, I would always say the wrong thing at the worst possible time. When he did something I didn't like I would immediately tell him off, most of the time I would snap at him (teenagers do that ALL the time!) and I wouldn't think before speaking, which meant that at times I offended him. It looked like I was looking to start a fight out of nowhere. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to tell him off in front of his friends (HUGE mistake when it comes to guys!!).  I recall one time saying “I hate what you are wearing” as soon as he walked in the room with all of his friends there. That was a mistake, I have to admit it, but there were also times when I was right. For instance, we would walk down the street and he would check out another girl (most guys do that, even when they are with their girlfriends) and I would just snap at him. Well I learnt, a little bit too late, that it’s not the way to do it! Telling him off in the middle of the street about anything, will get you nowhere.

 When he would cancel on me, I would shout or moan at him for hours, and I remember telling him quite frequently “Sometimes I feel like I hate you when you do that!” I know I sound like a complete bitch right now, but please give me a break; I was 16, an angry teenager who thought I was the centre of the world – even though I should have been snapping at my parents, like all normal teenagers! Even when I told him ‘I love you’ it was at the wrong time and the wrong place. We were just walking one day and I stopped suddenly, turned and said “I think I love you”. Now you would think that saying I love you abruptly would be spontaneous and potentially romantic. But stop for a minute and think about it: “I THINK I love you?” Really? What was I thinking? If you say I love you to someone, you don’t thinkthat you love them, you should be sure. Also: no, you wouldn't expect me to tell him over a romantic dinner, under the candlelight, but you would at least expect me to say it in a more private place; when I was sure that I loved him!
Unsurprisingly we broke up because of too much fighting - and even the break up was at the wrong time and the wrong place! (He broke up with me though. Over text. While I was abroad!).  I never thought it was my fault for nagging him too much, or for always saying the wrong thing at a really bad timing.

  However, more than 4 years later, I got to thinking about thinking before speaking. While talking about it over coffee with some friends, one late afternoon I got a few wise words from them. When I popped the question, “When it comes to dating, should you think before you speak?”, Javier thought about it for a second and then said hesitantly “Well, as long as you say it with respect…”; (translation: yes always think about what you say before you say it!). Vivi, (who also took a couple of seconds to think about it) replied that speaking before thinking is usually considered to be more honest, but more emotional rather than rational.  However, a few minutes later she said “I always think too much before I speak, which makes me not say things I actually want to say and then I regret it…”. My other friend, Julia (who’s been with her boyfriend for 5 years now, so she must know something!) said straight away, without hesitation “Think before you speak, it’s the right thing to do!”

  When I came back home, I couldn't help but wonder: “Is it possible that we scare men away because we always say what’s on our mind without thinking? And if that’s true, would we be honest and true if we didn't say what we feel, just to keep a guy?” I understood with time that the most important thing it’s not what you say, but how you say it! Thinking before speaking is the wisest thing to do, BUT you have to do it at the right time, with the nicest possible way. If something bothers you and you say it straight away, chances are you will say it in an angry manner, probably even shout, and you can be 100% sure it will sound rude. However, if you say it later on, when you are not angry anymore and have some time to think about it, then you will say it in the nicest possible way, he will understand it better and most likely won’t get pissed off at you and think that you are nagging him. He will probably respect you more for that as well. I put my advice into practice with many men that I dated afterwards and found out that it is actually the best way to say things to men! The more I took time to think about how I would say something that would potentially annoy them, the more I was able to find a better way (and time!) to say it, which meant that I was easier to get along with, and they weren't getting fed up with my nagging. Of course sometimes I still just say the first thing that comes to my mind and I regret it afterwards. Oh well, bad habits die hard, (but you can get them under control!)

  Oh and if you are wondering why I call this guy Dick: he is now dating my ex-best friend!

So ladies, think before you speak, but always say what’s on your mind, just in a nice way – respect them and you will get the same in return (I guess Javier was right after all!). Did you ever have any bad experiences because you blurted out the first thing that came to your mind or did you always think before speaking? Feel free to comment and share your experiences!!

 Don’t forget to check out my facebook page on the latest updates and the next posts’ subjects: https://www.facebook.com/newcitygirlondating?fref=ts! I hope you enjoyed this post, and don’t miss the next post on “Can we fall in love with two people at the same time?” which is coming pretty soon!! 

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